When you blame others, you give up your power to change. – Robert Anthony
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Do You Blame?
Are you aware when you blame? Often, the language we choose to use is a dead give away. Do you ever find yourself using these phrases?-You make me so mad!
-You are driving me crazy!
-The drive makes me miserable!
-Why did (you, God, govt.) do this to me?
-I should have done better!
-I shouldn’t have done that!
-I am late because of…(the weather, construction, alarm clock, et. al.)
Blame turns you into the victim and steals your power. It relinquishes your responsibility for your life and puts the power you have to choose in the hands of someone, something, or some situation. Only you can be responsible for what you think and how you feel.
Blame Feeds Anger
When young children hear phrases like “You make me so mad!” or “You are driving me crazy!” from a parent, they personalize those statements, in large part because the parent is the authority, and then blame themselves for the parent being upset. They have now become the cause of the effect. It may appear to a parent that what they are saying is rather benign, but it is the whole world to a child. It is one of the ways we learn to beat ourselves up and how to pass blame. Blaming the self contributes to many manifestations of anger that show up in the forms of guilt, resentment, shame, and depression. Similarly, this happens in a subtle way when we “should” ourselves. We regret a choice we did or did not make. We also “should” other people, by having an ironclad version of how they are supposed to be. This is also an expectation, which sets you up to let you down, and can allow for anger to come creeping in.What Can You Do?
1) Watch Your Language -Be aware of the language you use with yourself and others. Are you using any of the statements stated above? 2) Change Your Language -Simple changes to the way you say things can greatly help you to take ownership of how you are feeling in the moment. For example, instead of saying: “You make me so mad!” try expressing your anger this way and take full ownership of your emotions: “When you do, say, have _____________, I feel angry.” This opens things up for discussion rather than starting off with accusations. 3) Understand The Root of Anger -In my experience, what underlies anger is helplessness. Anger is great at showing us is where we want to feel empowered in our lives and exactly where we feel helpless or powerless. 4) Take Action -Now that you know about anger and helplessness, what actions can you take to begin to empower the area of your life that is bringing up the anger? Do you need to speak up at work or in your relationship? Do you need to learn how to communicate better with your family, your partner, or your boss? 5) Realize That No One Can Make You Feel Any Way But Yourself -“No man may come near me, but through my act.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance. Your thoughts/perceptions govern your feelings. It can be helpful to look at where you are making yourself the victim in your various life situations through blaming anything from the weather, to your kids, God, or that “crazy” driver in front of you.Everything Wants To Live
everything wants to live. The stories that we are frequently working to break through are alive; they are alive in our consciousness. These stories are fed by our thoughts and emotions, giving them energy and life. When we bring the light of our awareness to them, they are no longer fed in the same ways or with the same magnitude or intensity. This is why they shift. I define a story as a significant event in childhood that was large enough to create an emotional and/or behavioral pattern that carries out into our adult lives. These stories can originate from events as big as physical or verbal abuse to something as seemingly insignificant as one’s mom not buying them a candy bar at the store. Through these events, we create stories such as, “I don’t matter”, “I don’t deserve love” or, “I can’t get what I want” and more. To a child, the whole world is huge and feelings seem as though they are going to last forever.
Chronically Late or Feeling In A Hurry?
really late, but I was more times than not, 1-5 minutes late for the start of class. Almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning I would find myself rushing out the door and in a hurry while driving, hurrying to try to find a parking spot and then rushing off to class, to arrive… late. I found this same pattern happening again after having a child. I would stay and play to the last possible minute and rush off, or I would not give myself enough time for both of us to get what we needed and get out the door to arrive where I needed to go on time. There is a lot to be said for being on time, and some practical solutions that can help you to put being on time into practice to create a more stress free existence.
Singularly, the greatest tool we have is our emotions. They are a reflection of mind in the body and consequently give us the greatest amount of information about where our thoughts and our attention are being directed. One of the first things I do when I notice that this pattern of being late or feeling hurried arises, is to look at how it is helping me to feel. Is it helping me to feel hurried or in a rush? Short and snappy with others, especially the ones I love? Feeling a sense of hurry can reveal to us that we are afraid. Where there is hurry, there is fear. Ask yourself what it is that you are afraid of?
What kinds of fears reside in the act of being late? There are many fears that come up when people are afraid of being late. Some people I have worked with have a fear of showing up and receiving love. Some people are afraid of getting fired and all of the implications of that, or they are afraid of someone else getting angry, or not being accepted, ending up alone. The list of varying fears that this creates is many. The key is to see what it is doing for you and how you can change it with an action, or through your perception of the situation.
5) Above, are all actions, so what exactly can one do to perceive the situation differently? Sometimes all it can take is a moment of self-reflection/awareness to recognize the fact that you are not going to be on time and that there is nothing you can do about it at this point. Instead, take a deep breath and let go of the idea of being on time or what it means that you are late. This can also create some space to think about how things could go differently next time and how you want things to go differently next time.
6) Another question to ask that may shift your perception of the event or how you relate to it is: What is this doing for me, or how is this feeling serving me? Often, people don’t see feeling guilty or angry as serving them, but if we remember that anger just shows us where we want to feel empowered in our lives, it can lead us to having thoughts or creating actions that bring us to that end. Guilt, is a form of self blame, and when we grow tired of being the victim in our own lives through guilt, blame and shame, we can see that being on time can serve to eliminate these self destructive and defeating behaviors and thoughts.
Lastly, being on time is about loving ourselves. When we are late, there are often feelings of anger, blame, resentment, guilt, shame and other fear based thoughts. This is a way that we beat our selves up and feed our inner critics. It is also a way that we blame others and take our anger out on them. So, it is not your kids or that stupid driver ahead of you that is making you late. Simply put, IT IS YOU. You are the one responsible for your time and what you do with it and you are the only one that can change the habit of being late and the feelings you have with it. No one I know really wants to start their day out with fear, but many I know do. Giving yourself the gift of time and having a purpose in how you will use it, is truly a great act of self-love. If you think of how many times you have seen someone get grumpy, reactive, harsh and sharp when they are in a hurry, why would you want to do that to yourself on a regular basis? Our time is our greatest asset and you can use it as a tool to cultivate space, peace and love, or when undirected or without purpose, it can feed our fears, create anxiety, and anger.
The choice is up to you. Try some of these simple solutions and see how the experience of your day changes. The more you are able to be on time the more you will see how life can feel so much more “in the flow”. Many people experience less anger and frustration and more joy and balance emotionally and mentally.]]>
The Power of Space
The space and time in your innermost dominant thought determines your outermost tangible reality… -Dr. John DeMartini
By doing this work we are also literally creating space in our minds. When we break through a life-long pattern or story, we rewire our neurophysiology. The neurons that were once all connected to this pattern of thought and emotion become loosed and ready for new input and new patterns of thought and Being. It is akin to upgrading our operating system. We can begin to function, act and perceive on new levels. This has a ripple affect on the existing reality that is before us. You literally change your point of attraction and hence, the forms that appear in your life and how you perceive them. If this space is 39 orders of magnitude denser than all of the regular matter of the entire universe squashed into a cubic centimeter, then opening up our capacity to hold just a little bit more of that can have far reaching effects that are beyond much of what we are able to comprehend at this time. The message that I take away from this is that by doing our inner work, we are revolutionizing the face of the world in greater ways than we can imagine and opening doors to ever-greater possibilities and potentialities for humanity.]]>What Are You Planting This Spring?